Improve Your Relationships With These Assertive Behaviours

When you hear the word assertive, do you envision someone who is loud, brash, aggressive, and overbearing? Do you equate assertiveness with selfishness and a lack of consideration for other people’s needs? 

​If your understanding of assertiveness veers towards any of these images, you’re not alone. Yet in reality, none of this depicts what assertiveness truly is.
 
Assertive behaviour isn’t about being aggressive or overbearing.  Nor is it about being selfish and self-absorbed while trampling over other people and dismissing their needs. So what is assertive behaviour, and can it really have a positive impact on your relationships?
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Assertive behaviour: balancing self-awareness with awareness of others.

Assertive behaviour is characterized by awareness; it balances self-awareness with an awareness of others. When you have that awareness and you combine it with appropriate responses and thoughtful, balanced actions, you’re engaging in the kind of self-management that impacts how you show up in relationships. And as you become better at managing your own behaviour, it leads to better, stronger, healthier relationships.  
 
Listed below are five healthy, assertive behaviours. None of these behaviours involve trampling over other people, dismissing their needs, or forcing someone else to do what you want. Assertiveness isn’t about making demands of anyone else or expecting to get your way at someone else’s expense; it’s about engaging in a way that’s appropriately open, direct, and honest.
 

1.  Communicate clearly and directly.
 
Clear and direct communication doesn’t mean you need to impulsively express every thought that pops into your head. There’s value in exercising discretion and discernment to determine what needs to be said, and when it should be said.
 
However, once you’ve determined that you need to say something, aim to be clear and direct in how you say it. This starts with taking some time to identify what it is you're actually trying to communicate. For instance, are you expressing a need or asking for help? Are you sharing a concern or offering an opinion? This kind of internal clarity lays a foundation for clear outward expression.
 
Once you’ve identified what it is you want to say, don’t beat around the bush and expect others to figure things out. Don’t be vague and expect others to read your mind. Don’t drop hints and expect others to “just know” what you want. Whatever is going on in your head may seem obvious to you, but that doesn’t mean it’s obvious to others. And don’t be apologetic simply out of habit, as this undercuts your message and your assertiveness.
 

2. Show respect when communicating with others.
 
Respect for other people is one of the key distinguishing features between assertive and aggressive behaviour. When you're being assertive, you’re not trying to overpower or dominate someone else.  Instead, you’re operating from the premise that all parties, yourself and others, deserve to be treated in a decent, respectful way.
 
How do you demonstrate respect when communicating with others? A good starting place is being a good listener. Give the person speaking your full attention. Refrain from interrupting. Strive to understand the meaning, concerns, and needs being communicated through the words. 
 
Note that showing respect does not mean you have to agree with someone else; you can listen and acknowledge even if you disagree or see things differently. Likewise, showing respect does not mean you need to relinquish your own stance, opinion, or boundaries.
 
Also recognize that there will be situations where, for a variety of reasons, the person you’re trying to engage with is unwilling or unable to be respectful in return. Remember the original premise: all parties deserve to be treated in a decent, respectful way, including you. If the person you’re engaging with is being rude, insulting, or dismissive of anything you have to say, no amount of respect or assertiveness on your part will change them.  

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3. Say “no” when you need to.
 
Have you ever had someone agree to something or make promise to you and then not follow through? It’s disappointing. And it can have practical implications if you’re left stuck and scrambling to pick up the pieces and pull things together at the last minute once it becomes clear the person won’t be doing whatever it is they promised to do.
 
Saying “yes” and then not following through damages your credibility and brings your integrity into question. And following through when you don’t really want, or when it comes at unreasonable expense to yourself, creates fertile soil for feeling angry, resentful, or taken advantage of.
 
It’s one thing to make a deliberate, willing choice to extend yourself even if it’s inconvenient, but the key is deliberate and willing. For those occasions when you know you can’t reasonably accommodate a request, you do yourself and the other person a favour by being honest and saying no up front. This requires abandoning the notion that saying no is automatically harsh, insensitive, or selfish.
 
While the saying, “The word ‘no’ is a complete sentence” is factually correct, it ignores the reality of real-world relationship dynamics. An alternative that allows you to assert yourself while still showing concern and consideration for the other person might be something closer to, “I wish I could help out, but I can’t manage it right now.”
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4.  Look for ways to achieve a compromise.

A complete lack of assertiveness, where you ignore your own needs while catering to the needs of others, can leave you feeling used, taken advantage of, or taken for granted. However, the alternative isn’t demanding that everyone cater to you or insisting on getting your own way all the time. Both approaches create distance in a relationship and lead to resentment over the long term.  
 
Whether we’re dealing with next-door neighbours, co-workers, friends, or family members,  relationships inevitably reach a point where compromise is required in order to balance the needs and wants of both parties. When you put in the work to reach a mutually agreeable compromise with someone else, you demonstrate consideration towards the other person without neglecting your own needs and priorities.  This is a healthy, mature way to manage relationships.
 
What this actually looks like will differ depending on the individuals involved, the circumstances at hand, and the nature of the relationship. Asserting yourself means you’re able to identify what’s most important to you and areas that are non-negotiable alongside areas where you’re willing and able to be flexible and accommodating. Note that healthy compromise does not involve manipulation, bullying, deception, threatening, or force of any kind.
 

5.  Manage your emotions.
 
While assertive behaviour encompasses the ability to express yourself, that doesn’t mean giving free rein to your emotions.  Self-control and the ability to manage your emotions is paramount. 
 
Becoming frustrated and flying off the handle or over-reacting in the heat of the moment causes you to say and do things you might regret later.  In the vast majority of day-to-day situations, a deliberately chosen, considered response is far more beneficial than an emotion-fuelled, knee-jerk reaction. If you find yourself at the other end of the spectrum, where fear or anxiety causes makes it difficult for you to express yourself, it’s just as important to work on managing those emotions so you don’t allow yourself to be controlled and incapacitated by them.
 
This isn’t to say that experiencing anger, frustration, fear, or anxiety is necessarily bad or wrong. The ideal that you’re aiming for is where you can recognize where those emotions are coming from and what they’re signalling to you without letting the emotions take over and run the show. This brings us back to that first step of taking time to identify exactly what it is you want to communicate — this is also an opportunity for you to pause and take a few deep breaths, ensuring that you’re not merely reacting or overreacting based solely on emotion.  
 

These new patterns of behaviour will start to feel more natural over time.

You might find yourself feeling a bit awkward when you first put these behaviours into practice, which is completely normal. Any change in behaviour tends to feel a little awkward and uncomfortable at first.  But if you work on things gradually and stick with it, these patterns of behaviour will start to feel more natural over time, and you’ll appreciate the impact as you witness your relationships start to improve.    

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Image Credits:  Wladynosz from Pixabay
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